Ma'rifatullah and Endless Trials: A Spiritual Journey Journal

Introduction: For You Who Are Still Holding On

Have you ever felt like life never stops testing you?
Pain comes one after another.
Sustenance arrives, but vanishes in an instant.
Your prayers feel like they don’t pierce the sky.
And quietly, you begin to wonder—could all this be a sign that the Rabb is drifting away?

No.
Maybe… this is His most subtle invitation.
An invitation to truly know who your Lord is, and who you really are.

This is not a theory. This is a lived account.
For you who are being broken—but still choose to believe.

1. The Beginning of the Journey: When the Soul Moves Without Emotion

I walked the path of grace before the path of struggle. I recorded and reflected on every experience. I tried many techniques, until one day I realized—I had no emotions.

I had only just begun to feel emotions. In terms of emotional development, I was like a baby. So, if I appeared insensitive or too calm, please forgive me. If I had emotions from the start, perhaps I would’ve long been destroyed when trials struck relentlessly.

The hardest test for me was the test of emotion. I failed it three times. It took me 14 years to master. But I believe, if you truly understand this path, you might get through it faster… as long as you are sincere in seeking Allah.

2. Searching for Identity and the Line of Trials

Many begin the ma'rifat journey by tracing their lineage. You want to know whose descendant you are. If you are from the Prophet’s lineage, you feel relieved. If not, you may feel disheartened.

But look at Sayyidina Ali. He was not the Prophet’s son, yet he was honoured by Allah.

In the Nusantara, many are descendants of Prophet Muhammad SAW, Prophet Dawud AS, or of pious saints and warriors. But remember this:

Allah’s tests follow each person’s “line”
(The destined path based on lineage, capacity, and spiritual role)

If you're an engineer, your trial might come in the form of logic and science.
If you suddenly gain mystical skills, healing powers, or the ability to see the unseen—know that these too are tests.
Not absolute gifts.

The common term used: leluhur (ancestral spirit or lineage).
But if your goal is truly Allah, then let it go.

3. Leaving Worldly Comforts

Want to know Allah? Then you must ask:

“Am I willing to give up all my worldly advantages… if that is the price to get closer to Him?”

If the answer is no, then your journey is still far.

Whether you are gifted in singing, healing, writing, speaking, or investment strategies, one day you’ll be tested with this question:

“Are you willing to lose it all, for the sake of Allah?”

And that’s when you’ll understand: ma'rifatullah is not a path to gain more. It’s a path to let go of everything, so that your heart becomes empty… and only Allah remains to fill it.

The obligations of fardhu, sunnah, haram, and makruh still apply.
The ma'rifat path does not nullify the syariah.

4. Knowledge and the Danger of Arrogance

Knowledge is also a test.
The more we know, the greater the risk of arrogance.

I once thought I was superior—when my lecturer came to learn from me.
And in that very moment… I fell.

Ma'rifatullah isn’t about memorizing philosophy.
It isn’t about learning from renowned masters.
Sometimes, it’s better to “forget” what we know—so the heart can begin to listen again.

Knowledge that doesn’t purify the heart is a burden, not a light.

Allah tests us not to make us “somebody”—but so we can see who He truly is.

5. The Heavy Phase of Trials

The closer you get to Allah, the stranger and heavier the tests become:

• Endless pain

• Recurrent black magic

• Back-to-back losses

• Suspicious wealth

• Temptations beyond reason

• Loss of basic necessities

Ever asked yourself:

“Why me?”
“Why again and again?”
“Why is the same test returning?”
“Aduiiih... I’m tired!”

Sometimes they all hit you at once. You’ll feel… life is just not fair.

But actually, this is the turning point.

💡 Allah wants you to surrender. Not to give up—but to fully submit, and to accept whatever happens with a heart of redha.

6. The Point of Redha and Surrender

There comes a point where you stop hoping in people.
You no longer wait for your prayers to be answered.
You only want Allah—even if your life feels increasingly empty.

This isn’t despair. This is redha.

Redha (الرضا): Not merely accepting, but seeing everything that happens as beauty from the Lord you love.

And when you reach this stage, you’ll feel strange—because the world starts to submit to you, yet you no longer chase it.

You’ll know this isn’t the destination. This is just a brief rest before the next wave of trials.

7. When the Trials Return — But You Are No Longer the Same

Trials never stop. But you are no longer the same.

If in the past, black magic hit you once, now it strikes relentlessly.
If before, you lost a bit of wealth, now you lose it all.

Yet this time, you no longer cry over the world.
You only worry: “Am I still within His redha?”

🔁 Repetitive tests are not punishments. They are signs that you are ascending to a higher station.

8. The Ladunni Stage and Reality

When you’ve gone through it all—and nothing remains but Allah—that’s when the Rabb introduces Himself to you.

You begin to hear inner voices.
But not all voices are true.
You must learn to distinguish the voice of your Rabb, not the whisper of your ego.

Ladunni (لدني): Knowledge directly placed by Allah into the heart—not learned from books, but gained through soul purification.

But beware—the higher your station, the heavier even your smallest sins.
And if your intention falters, everything resets. From the very beginning.

The greatest threat at this stage?

The urge to teach, to share, to become a guru.
Because that leads to ego, not truth.

At this point, one should strive to remain silent more often. Not because they lack knowledge, but because they are deeply aware of the weight of responsibility that comes with it.

It is far better to focus on qurba (intimate closeness) with the Rabb — strengthening the bond without words, hiding the sweetness of nearness so it is not tainted by praise or recognition from others.

9. Closing: This Journey Never Ends

Ma'rifatullah is not for those who simply want to know.
It is for those willing to be broken and rebuilt by the Rabb.

The closer you are to Allah, the more you will be tested.
And when everything is gone—your name, your status, your knowledge, your strength…
Only Allah remains.

And that… is the real beginning.
And it will keep repeating.

🌿 Reflection for You Who Are Still Holding On:

If your life is filled with tests—don’t run.
Maybe it’s not a disaster.
Maybe it’s an invitation from the Rabb…
Who deeply longs for you to truly know Him.